But this time, I’m going to make an exception. My husband is now a resident in orthopedic surgery. We are almost 4 years journey, and it is crazy when I really process that. A friend of mine once said, regarding parenting, “The days are long, but the years are short”.
So I have been thinking this year about what I wish I could tell new medical student and residents’ wives — the ones that are just beginning this journey, perhaps even, what I wish I could go back in time and tell myself. And partially, I think, because time has a way of making you forget, so I want to write this while I have a fresh perspective. So without further ado, here’s my list. These are the things I have learned from being married to a resident and what I wish I could tell myself all those years ago.
1. Make your own plans
This is numero uno for a reason. It’s absolutely critical.
When my boyfriend (current as my husb) was in medical school, we took for granted how easy the hours were. Sure, he had to study … some. But like most schools, the weekends were relatively free and so were evenings. Then he graduated medical school and hello abduction, I mean, residency.
I joke about residency, but I really have enjoyed this journey. When he finishes, I won’t feel like he did it; I will feel like we did it. Why? For example when i have to go back from yogya to jakarta (yes we are in long distance marriage till now), he said that he will come in to our house and pick me up and send me to the train station.. he always try to convince me that he can do it, but then till the time..he cant make it and i have to go outside and find an “ojek” (actually it hard enough to find gojek at yogya).
At that moment, I was thanking myself for going and not waiting. Oh, how I wish I had learned this sooner!
2. You are on the same team as your spouse, even when it doesn’t feel like it.
My husband taught me this, and he deserves the credit. Sometimes it’s so easy to step in the trap of pointing fingers. The non-medical spouse thinks, “I’m exhausted mentally and emotionally. They are gone all the time. I’m always here alone. I do all the housework; I do everything for the children. I can’t ever count on them to be done when they say they will, thus I can’t ever rely on their help for sure. It’s not fair. No one understands this life. I really need a break.”
The medical spouse is thinking, “I’m exhausted physically. All I have had to eat is a protein bar on my one bathroom break in the middle of a 12-hour case. I haven’t had quality sleep in days, and I feel like no matter what time I leave the hospital, I have left work undone. I miss my spouse, I miss my kids, and I miss feeling normal. No matter what I do, I’m behind at home, and I’m behind at work.”
I can count on one hand how many “fights” my husband and I have ever had, but our “fights” are actually more like disagreements. But in these disagreements, He taught me from the very beginning of our marriage to always look at problems as us against the problem, not to ever think of us against one another. It was a lesson well taught and a lesson learned many times over. Whether I’m really frustrated about his hours or he feels, we don’t let it wedge between us; come what may, we are a team.
3. There is nothing quite like the camaraderie of another resident’s spouse.
There just isn’t. It’s the best. For example, when I buy a fellow resident wife’s coffee she may say, “You really don’t need to do that.” And I always say back, “Don’t worry about it! I’m married to a ‘doctor.'” And we laugh.
We laugh because we know the truth. That while most of our friends have slowly climbed the financial ladder over the course of the last 10 years, we have remained a very steady straight line. We know eventually that will change, but even that’s not what it’s about. It’s just that no one quite understands the schedule, the frustrations, the sometimes seriously sweet perks like conference trips.
4. Remember the man you married
I always tell him that “I’m the number one fan of you” No matter what life throws at him or at us, to me he will always be the man I met in one of wedding party — the 23-year-old that made insanely good eye contact and enunciated his words so clearly . (Yep, that really is what I remember about my first impression of him. And single ladies, it was game over so definitely watch for that good eye contact!)
Although I think he has handled residency as well as anyone, even he had his moments of such extreme physical and/or mental exhaustion that he just seemed “different.” If it’s only every now and then, well, don’t we all, but sometimes entire rotations will cause this subtle change. He always comes home and tries to give everything in him to us, so I say this with no blame towards him, but sometimes a person just is not firing on all cylinders after working such a difficult schedule. In those times, it has been a sweet memory to think of him when i was in college and why I fell in love with him to begin with. I have always known any “departure” would be temporary and that he would always come back to himself and to me — and he always does.
And going along with this point is my last and final point …
5. Always give 100 percent of yourself.
I recently heard someone say, “Marriage is not 50/50. Divorce is 50/50. Marriage is both people giving 100 percent.” How true.
I can’t be responsible for what Mas Andi brings to our marriage or to our home. When anyone asks me or I have the opportunity to brag, I will tell them how I feel that he truly does try to give our family everything that he has in him, but my point is that it’s really not up to me if he doesn’t. I am only responsible for giving 100 percent of myself to our marriage. This journey, as with all journeys, will be over soon and a new one will begin.
I want to look back and be able to say that yes, I gave my all to this season of my life. Some may diminish its importance, but I want to be the best resident’s wife I can; I hope with all my heart that my husband looks back on his years of training and feels that I was essential, not just for our financial life, but for him in these sometimes tumultuous years.
All the seemingly tiny things we medical spouses do every single day, both to aid our spouses in the quality of their hours at home and in how we attempt to diminish the long hours for our children (someday) sake — these are not nothing. They are the building blocks for our lives, for our spouse’s career/home balance, for the way our children view their fathers and/or mothers and the positive or negative feelings that they associate with their job. The moments matter because, comprehensively, these are what we will look back and remember as “the residency years.” I hope you, as well as I, will remember them well.
Cheers,
FI
