I know some days i am nervous and i wonder how i will make this work. I know some days i am just done being a resident wife. I know some days it takes every ounce of energy i have to keep it together, and sometimes i just can’t. Sometimes i hide in my closet and weep so no one have to see and ask, “Why are you sad?”
When i talk to people about my life as a doctor’s wife, i see myself and how exhausted i am and how jealous i am of “normal” people sometimes. I am trying to make my money last through the month and how proud i am of my husband.
I hide my feelings from others, so i don’t have to explain to them the millions of reasons why i feel like i am falling apart. Why i am so angry at this process of becoming a surgeon and how it takes my husband away for 80+ hours a week. Why i am miserable because residency leaves him drained and emotionally unavailable at home. How he gives so much at the hospital that he hardly has anything left to give when he gets home. Why i am burned out because i have to take care of the billions of little (and big things) behind the scenes, by myself, that no one sees.
When people ask, “How are things?”, i slap on my smile and say that everything is fine. Because i already know the majority of people will not understand, because I’ve tried explaining before. i’ve had a few, rare moments where i’ve let my guard down and shared my heartache with someone else. Family members even. And they tried to understand, they tried to comfort meu, and i can tell they really want to help. But the understanding, the comfort, and all of the efforts were wrong. They did not fill in my cracks because they didn’t fit. Because they don’t know. How can they?
I see sweet relief when i finally, FINALLY talk to that someone, that fellow doctor’s wife, who GETS IT. Who will hear out my stresses and sorrows and not think i am crazy. Who nods with understanding, who shares stories similar to mine, and who knows where i am coming from. And finally, someone is filling my cracks with comfort and understanding that fit.
I know that i am, essentially, doing it all. My husband probably works 12+ hours a day, then comes home and spends 2-3 hours finishing up his charting or studying for his next test. And then he has to cram some sleep in there somewhere.
He doesn’t have the time to do oil changes, car repairs, budgeting, bill-paying, or lawn maintenance. Almost everything falls on my shoulders.
Me and my husband are both exhausted and we both work so hard. And I know it’s frustrating that everyone sees the hard work my husband is doing and hardly anyone acknowledges the sacrifices i am making behind the scenes. The hard work i put into this to make his surgeon dream even possible.
I almost resent my friends whose husband’s get home at 5 pm and help do the dishes, bathe the kids, or help with bedtime. My friends whose husbands are able to go to every favorite game and every important family reunion. Of course my husband would like to do those things and be more involved at home, but it’s not in the cards. Being a doctor means other people need him, and those other people (his patients) often trump his needs, your needs and the needs of your family.
I spend the majority of the day without my husband around. i crave conversation with adults and not just with myself. I feel like i might go crazy if i have to eat dinner alone AGAIN.
I may have moved to a new area for residency and are starting over with making new friends. I may not have any family nearby. I miss my close friends like CRAZY and i crave those kind of close relationships again. I know i am making efforts to make those new friendships and feel like nothing is working. And I know that, with time, i will have those close friendships i am looking for.
I pinching my pennies because residents make pennies for the amount of work they do.
I meticulously go over what is in my shopping cart and i put some items back. I wish i could buy myself new clothes that actually fit. I sick of renting and want to live in a nice home with my family.
Even though being a resident wife is hard, I proud of him. I smile when he tells me how he was the one who caught a problem that everyone else had missed. I beam with pride when he tells me that he got some great feedback from one of his attending physicians. I look at my husband with disbelief and awe as i hear about the problems he solved, the patients he helped to heal, and the lives he saved.
And you know what? I proud of myself too. Becoming a doctor is a team sport. We both made it through medical school applications and interviewing. We both made it through medical school itself, with late-night studying, tests, and clinical rotations. And we both made it to residency after more interviews and a nerve-wracking match process.
And we will both make it through this next phase of his training, this next step. We will both make it through residency and move on to the “It gets better” job. My husband can do this doctor thing because of mer. I am the one that keeps him going. I am the one that makes home a safe haven from the stresses of the hospital. I am the one that lifts his heart with my encouraging smiles and my comforting affection. He could not do this without me.
And over time, i’ve realized the only people who truly share the joys and sorrows of being a doctor’s wife are those who are also married to a doctor. It’s those who have been there, who are treading the same path i am. And so i button up my emotions again and put my smile back where it belongs.
When i talk to people about my life as a doctor’s wife, i see myself and how exhausted i am and how jealous i am of “normal” people sometimes. I am trying to make my money last through the month and how proud i am of my husband.
I hide my feelings from others, so i don’t have to explain to them the millions of reasons why i feel like i am falling apart. Why i am so angry at this process of becoming a surgeon and how it takes my husband away for 80+ hours a week. Why i am miserable because residency leaves him drained and emotionally unavailable at home. How he gives so much at the hospital that he hardly has anything left to give when he gets home. Why i am burned out because i have to take care of the billions of little (and big things) behind the scenes, by myself, that no one sees.
When people ask, “How are things?”, i slap on my smile and say that everything is fine. Because i already know the majority of people will not understand, because I’ve tried explaining before. i’ve had a few, rare moments where i’ve let my guard down and shared my heartache with someone else. Family members even. And they tried to understand, they tried to comfort meu, and i can tell they really want to help. But the understanding, the comfort, and all of the efforts were wrong. They did not fill in my cracks because they didn’t fit. Because they don’t know. How can they?
I see sweet relief when i finally, FINALLY talk to that someone, that fellow doctor’s wife, who GETS IT. Who will hear out my stresses and sorrows and not think i am crazy. Who nods with understanding, who shares stories similar to mine, and who knows where i am coming from. And finally, someone is filling my cracks with comfort and understanding that fit.
I know that i am, essentially, doing it all. My husband probably works 12+ hours a day, then comes home and spends 2-3 hours finishing up his charting or studying for his next test. And then he has to cram some sleep in there somewhere.
He doesn’t have the time to do oil changes, car repairs, budgeting, bill-paying, or lawn maintenance. Almost everything falls on my shoulders.
Me and my husband are both exhausted and we both work so hard. And I know it’s frustrating that everyone sees the hard work my husband is doing and hardly anyone acknowledges the sacrifices i am making behind the scenes. The hard work i put into this to make his surgeon dream even possible.
I almost resent my friends whose husband’s get home at 5 pm and help do the dishes, bathe the kids, or help with bedtime. My friends whose husbands are able to go to every favorite game and every important family reunion. Of course my husband would like to do those things and be more involved at home, but it’s not in the cards. Being a doctor means other people need him, and those other people (his patients) often trump his needs, your needs and the needs of your family.
I spend the majority of the day without my husband around. i crave conversation with adults and not just with myself. I feel like i might go crazy if i have to eat dinner alone AGAIN.
I may have moved to a new area for residency and are starting over with making new friends. I may not have any family nearby. I miss my close friends like CRAZY and i crave those kind of close relationships again. I know i am making efforts to make those new friendships and feel like nothing is working. And I know that, with time, i will have those close friendships i am looking for.
I pinching my pennies because residents make pennies for the amount of work they do.
I meticulously go over what is in my shopping cart and i put some items back. I wish i could buy myself new clothes that actually fit. I sick of renting and want to live in a nice home with my family.
Even though being a resident wife is hard, I proud of him. I smile when he tells me how he was the one who caught a problem that everyone else had missed. I beam with pride when he tells me that he got some great feedback from one of his attending physicians. I look at my husband with disbelief and awe as i hear about the problems he solved, the patients he helped to heal, and the lives he saved.
And you know what? I proud of myself too. Becoming a doctor is a team sport. We both made it through medical school applications and interviewing. We both made it through medical school itself, with late-night studying, tests, and clinical rotations. And we both made it to residency after more interviews and a nerve-wracking match process.
And we will both make it through this next phase of his training, this next step. We will both make it through residency and move on to the “It gets better” job. My husband can do this doctor thing because of mer. I am the one that keeps him going. I am the one that makes home a safe haven from the stresses of the hospital. I am the one that lifts his heart with my encouraging smiles and my comforting affection. He could not do this without me.
And over time, i’ve realized the only people who truly share the joys and sorrows of being a doctor’s wife are those who are also married to a doctor. It’s those who have been there, who are treading the same path i am. And so i button up my emotions again and put my smile back where it belongs.
